Why hasn’t this gone public yet?ĬASTRATE ALL STALKERS, ESPECIALLY THOSE WITH WEIRD MIND POWERS.Īnybody named Malachi will inevitably kill a bunch of people. The origin story for the killer in True Detective season one.Īn honestly brilliant idea for quitting bad habits, like smoking or marathoning superhero shows on The CW. My girlfriend thought I was an idiot for purchasing those official Batman wing gliders on eBay, but NOW WHO’S LAUGHING?!? If you attend college, it is almost guaranteed you will be murdered by some deranged serial killer. Sometimes it’s okay to punch a kid in the fucking face. If you’ve ever wondered what happens when Stephen King steps on one too many small plastic army men, here’s your answer.Įvery truck on the planet gains sentience and searches for a missing Emilio Estevez. If you send your kid out for beer runs enough times, that little piece of shit will eventually snitch on you.

If the same giant laundry machine is connected to multiple deaths, you should definitely set it on fire just to be on the safe side.Īs a kid, I slept on a frameless mattress with only a dresser to store my clothes, and I have never been eaten by a monster. Masturbation becomes super awkward when tiny eyeballs form at your fingertips. If you’re an asshole to your employees, they will feed you to a giant rat queen the first chance they get.Ī man makes fun of his fat girlfriend as the world ends. Some nerd moves to a big mansion and spends his time writing Lovecraft fan fiction. In this article, I’ll cover the short stories and novellas found in collections published in the 20th century.

What I’m trying to say is, it’s time to continue this inanity with King’s short fiction work. Anyway, the show was canceled before the sketch ever aired, so it doesn’t really matter. They wanted to turn my article into a comedy sketch to broadcast on the show. This is how much the situation spiraled out of control: one morning I woke up to an email from a representative of The Queen Latifah Show, which is a television program I didn’t even know existed. I was assaulted on Twitter by hundreds of people calling me an asshole for a Dean Koontz joke I cracked. A few years ago, I wrote an article called “Every Stephen King Novel Summarized in 140 Characters or Less.” I don’t think it was a very good article, but I definitely had fun writing it, and for some weird-ass reason, a lot of you maniacs ate it up.

Stephen king the end of the whole mess